Absolutely undoubtedly willingly

Words are hard to find
So I swallow my feelings
There is no point in going in circles
Saying the same things time after time
Hoping for a different reaction
Hoping to break the wheel and get a different result
You don’t work that way
And neither do I

It’s been a lonely and isolating narrative
I couldn’t lean on my friends through it
Because I thought that if I overspoke
I’d betray your trust
I couldn’t quite share my excitement with anyone at the moments that made me happy
I mean – what kind of person would that have made me?

I was loyal to a person who never thought of me as trustworthy

Every day I’d drive up 
Just to be scrutinized by those around me
Who always believed there was more to us than whatever we had
The comments, the mockery, the disbelief at fabricated stories about you and I
I laughed it all off, I played along, I took it all like a champ
I tried to do everything right, I really did
But I’m human and I’ll be honest, being on the receiving end of all of that really broke my confidence

Somewhere along the line, unbeknownst to me
I reduced myself to a shadow of who I was
To make space for your ego and for a world where you called the shots
Where all I had to do was follow along and show up at you beck and call
Yet these aren’t the roles I’m used to
And I no longer want to play along

I’m not an angry person – though I must seem quite unstable taken out of context
These past months have been brutal and I’ve been exasperated
The respect I had for you tangled itself at the feet of my repulsion
And la vie en rose turned to la vie in shit as I realised you weren’t the person I idolized

I had to accept that things were not okay
And that I wanted to run away
But in this scenario, I couldn’t quite go anywhere
Backed against the wall
I considered being the bigger person, apologize when I overstepped and swallow my pride

Then I remembered how I show up every day and give my all to your dreams
Absolutely, undoubtedly, willingly
And when push came to shove
You couldn’t even consider mine for a week
That’s xxxxxxxxxxxxx
So again - I apologized for trying to put myself first
While everyone else feels entitled to check out in the morning and leave it up to you to figure out
Somehow the bar for me is higher than for most
Funny how you never told me that’s how it works

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And when you sounded so irritated over the phone
It really sealed the deal
And so I cried – not because I was sad
But because I was overwhelmed and confused
I couldn’t rationalize that behavior away
Nor the feeling of being unwanted and unappreciated somewhere I once felt safe

Today for the first time in the longest time
I have nothing I want to say
My presence is the testament of the devotion I once had for you
It’s also a reminder of the lack of consideration I’ve had for myself
And every day I choose to convince myself not to leave
If I run away from this discomfort 
I’ll spend the rest of my life running
That’s no life to lead either
At my core, I don’t think I deserve this
I don’t want an apology, I just want to be left the fuck alone