in case there's anything left unsaid
Hi you –
We haven’t spoken since I called to tell you I changed my mind. I wouldn’t be going back. My reasoning was quite simple, but it made you go silent. Perhaps I shouldn’t have filled your lungs with hope, but then again, you’ve done that to me countless of times and I’m still standing.
My little devil. My stuck-up piece of love. I adored you. To say none of it mattered to me felt unfair, I’ve done nothing but think about you for a year.
You taunted the idea of me coming back and building a life together in a new city. You called it coming ‘home’ to what was ‘inevitable’, that one thing that seemed natural; you and me. I understood those words because at one point I felt the same way about us. I honestly thought we were made for each other and that something so transparent could face all elements unharmed and never change.
We haven’t spoken since I called to tell you I changed my mind. I wouldn’t be going back. My reasoning was quite simple, but it made you go silent. Perhaps I shouldn’t have filled your lungs with hope, but then again, you’ve done that to me countless of times and I’m still standing.
My little devil. My stuck-up piece of love. I adored you. To say none of it mattered to me felt unfair, I’ve done nothing but think about you for a year.
You taunted the idea of me coming back and building a life together in a new city. You called it coming ‘home’ to what was ‘inevitable’, that one thing that seemed natural; you and me. I understood those words because at one point I felt the same way about us. I honestly thought we were made for each other and that something so transparent could face all elements unharmed and never change.
But you see? It is this romanticised picture of what we had that I find precarious. I cannot negate the things that were grisly, because we had our fair share of conflicts, and yet some things I could never accuse you of –
such as making me feel like kissing me was too complicated a deal, or that my lips were something dangerous that should be avoided at all costs.
You never made me feel like I was something beautiful but only entertaining in small doses. Neither did you make me feel important just to make sure I felt insignificant the next day. There were no push and pull games with you. You were never wary around me. You trusted me, because you saw me.
It is that consistency in knowing who you are that I miss. I felt seen not just for the bits that make me enticing, but also for the bits that make me human; my casual arrogance, my flamboyance, my ego, my audaciousness, it all made sense to you. Which is why I’ve caught myself many times this past year wondering how I got away with being loved for all that I am. It feels like I cheated destiny because perhaps in another dimension I would have never had the opportunity to feel so unconditionally safe in anyone’s arms.
The conversation we were having made me feel tense. It brought me back to reality after a night I thought was otherwise lovely. I was unsure as to what I could say to cut the rigid silence on the line, which is why I hung up. There was nothing left to say, but in case there is anything left unsaid, I will say this:
I won’t apologise again for leaving, because not once did you apologize for backing out and letting me leave alone. Not once in 12 months. Forgive me – I just don’t feel like saying sorry. I’m done apologizing to people who don’t deserve it. Has the year been hard on you, munchkin? Has it really?
such as making me feel like kissing me was too complicated a deal, or that my lips were something dangerous that should be avoided at all costs.
You never made me feel like I was something beautiful but only entertaining in small doses. Neither did you make me feel important just to make sure I felt insignificant the next day. There were no push and pull games with you. You were never wary around me. You trusted me, because you saw me.
It is that consistency in knowing who you are that I miss. I felt seen not just for the bits that make me enticing, but also for the bits that make me human; my casual arrogance, my flamboyance, my ego, my audaciousness, it all made sense to you. Which is why I’ve caught myself many times this past year wondering how I got away with being loved for all that I am. It feels like I cheated destiny because perhaps in another dimension I would have never had the opportunity to feel so unconditionally safe in anyone’s arms.
The conversation we were having made me feel tense. It brought me back to reality after a night I thought was otherwise lovely. I was unsure as to what I could say to cut the rigid silence on the line, which is why I hung up. There was nothing left to say, but in case there is anything left unsaid, I will say this:
I won’t apologise again for leaving, because not once did you apologize for backing out and letting me leave alone. Not once in 12 months. Forgive me – I just don’t feel like saying sorry. I’m done apologizing to people who don’t deserve it. Has the year been hard on you, munchkin? Has it really?
I'm asking seeing that you got to keep your job, your childhood friends, and your plans. I on the other hand – gave up a job, came home to find I had practically no friends, let alone a career prospect. Not to mention, I've had to work with people who see me every day but don’t see my potential.
I started over from zero. Sure, there were moments last year where I felt miserable, but misery doesn't favour the brave. Now on most days I feel like I can tackle the world, like there’s a fire inside me that doesn’t depend on anyone. Not you, not him, not my friends, not my parents.
And here I was, thinking for a second that leaving the things I built this past year behind would make me happier. With the unfounded notion that you would be waiting on the other side. I was willing for a second there, to slip out of my life and fall back into your arms. Why would I do that to myself? Who puts their car in reverse and pushes the gas on the highway? I can’t spend my life starting over and for that I am not sorry.
Leaving us broke me, but it allowed other people to slip through the cracks. And while they may not like me as much – I hope they’ll show up when it matters, and I can rest easy knowing that if they don’t, I’ll be just fine.
So go ahead and be mad at me. I in turn, want to continue feeling to ocean breeze on my skin every moment I can. Life's good. Change is a thing we can always count on.
Lovealways sometimes,
I started over from zero. Sure, there were moments last year where I felt miserable, but misery doesn't favour the brave. Now on most days I feel like I can tackle the world, like there’s a fire inside me that doesn’t depend on anyone. Not you, not him, not my friends, not my parents.
And here I was, thinking for a second that leaving the things I built this past year behind would make me happier. With the unfounded notion that you would be waiting on the other side. I was willing for a second there, to slip out of my life and fall back into your arms. Why would I do that to myself? Who puts their car in reverse and pushes the gas on the highway? I can’t spend my life starting over and for that I am not sorry.
Leaving us broke me, but it allowed other people to slip through the cracks. And while they may not like me as much – I hope they’ll show up when it matters, and I can rest easy knowing that if they don’t, I’ll be just fine.
So go ahead and be mad at me. I in turn, want to continue feeling to ocean breeze on my skin every moment I can. Life's good. Change is a thing we can always count on.
Love
J
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