Purgatory is a sunny place

I hate my guts
For making permanent decisions based on temporary feelings
I’m adult in my feelings
But childish in my ways

I hate myself
For pulling myself further away from the things I want
There was nothing here left to take
Why am I back amongst mediocrity when I’ve always aspired to excellence?

I do that sometimes;
Idealise a life that is far from the truth
But that’s on me
It happens when I’m blue

Shouldn't this change feel like home?

These feet have gotten too heavy to carry around
There’s nothing credible about me
Nobody needs advice from someone who’s life is upside down

So I dream about being eighteen again
I close my eyes and make a wish
I open them and everything’s changed
I had gotten everything I wanted, and it made me even sadder

I missed the funeral to my old life because I was too busy packing a suitcase
Now we're a sea apart and I’ll probably never have the courage to go back
So yes - I find solace in sleep
But these days I hardly get any

I’m constantly mad at choosing to turn my life upside down
Thoughts come and go
I have no energy to write them down
Purgatory is a sunny place

If you see me glowing
My friend it’s not happiness or peace
It’s pure rage
For spending my savings at my life’s expense

What the fuck did I do?
Dear God
I think I’m gonna puke
I’m scared to make another move and regret that one too

I'm dead

And my body lays in the morgue 

Unclaimed