My English-speaking genius
I found this piece I wrote in 2017 on a private journal. Some things are still relevant more than two years later:
12-feb-2017
Often at times I get all these thoughts in my head and I feel the need to put them down in words. Often at times I am too tired to stand up and get to my computer soon enough. But today, one a Sunday (I can’t stand Sundays!) I decided to take my time to sit down and write. I have clothes to wash and every sane human would put them in the washer before writing all of this down, but I simply don’t feel like it. Not today. You see, this is part of what it this entry comes down to. I am tired. I don’t want to have to do all of these things over and over again. I don’t want to wake up and do the dishes, the laundry or prepare something for one of my college classes, all I wanna do sometimes is lay in bed without any care in the world, get up when I want to, take a long shower, make myself some tea, sit down and write, just write. I want to write about everything that goes through my mind when I’m alone, I want to write to say HEY I’m doing fine. I want to show my gratitude with words without having to speak them out all the time. Because despite all the things I don’t want to do because the routine is getting the best of my free-spirited self, I am so blessed and I can’t stop get enough of expressing my gratitude whenever I get a chance.
I lead a very simple lifestyle nowadays, I don’t really drink to get drunk anymore and when I do have a beer or a glass of wine it’s always followed by a glass of water twice the size of the beer (or the wine glass), simply because I love my body enough as to take care of it.
I don’t have casual sex anymore. My stance on casual sex used to be: ‘I’ll have it because I can and no one can tell me otherwise.’ And now my stance is more like: ‘I won’t have it because I can and no one can tell me otherwise.’ You’re probably mind-fucked, but it comes down to this: I will not going around sleeping with people I don’t love because it causes an emotional damage. I am not one of those people who can have sex with someone I barely know and feel good about it afterwards. And the reason I am more conscious about it is because I realized that no one’s going to tell not to go out there and sleep around. It’s up to me to take care of me and I don’t want to show my body to anyone if I’m not able to show them my soul. There is no need to bash people who do, because it works for some, but I’m not one of those people and it took me long enough to realize it. I’m about 10 and a half months sex-free! Yay to me! It doesn’t feel that long to be honest, surprisingly.
I have also become much more vocal in letting people know what I like and will do and what I don’t like I won’t do. Peer-pressure? Don’t know her. Frankly, I love the changes I’ve made to my life in the past months. I love how relaxed and care free I lead my life nowadays. Yet, sometimes I can’t help but miss the rush of the alcohol or the bodily contact with someone else, but none of that is worth it anymore, because God knows I wouldn’t trade my peace for a penis or a bottle of vodka, ever.
You know the kind of rush I do want however? As a matter of fact I crave it! The rush of traveling the world and eating everything I’ve never tasted before. Much like Elizabeth Gilbert, I want to eat, I want to pray and I want to love. My relationship with the man above is better than it’s been in years, but I feel the need to belong somewhere, to a religion or something like that. Because I want to find more ways to show my gratitude and simply adore him. I believe in God and I believe in a good God who watches over me. I can’t tell you what’s the right or what’s wrong way to preach or praise him, but I can tell you one thing; God is magnificent and filled with kindness and is much closer than many people may even imagine.
I’ll tell you one thing though, winter days are tough! These cold days have me craving for sunlight. I wish I could go home, but more than anything I wish I could go to Italy, learn Italian and eat (a lot of everything). That’s what Josh wants. What else? I want to go to Madrid (and I am) and get inspired, write and… Maybe sleep with a Spanish guy. I would be June by then, so I might just give in. I will only do it if I feel something though. A strong connection, or perhaps even a summer love. But first, first I’m going to Poland in search of history and… food. Don’t ask me where I’m getting all the money from, because quite Frankly, I have zero idea, but it doesn’t matter, because when it comes down to traveling, one should act first and think later. Never letting an opportunity to encounter new things go.
Truth be told, I might not be a fan of winter, but one thing’s certain, I am a fan of life and I plan to enjoy every second of it.
As for the title of this post? Well I saw this video two days ago, it was about the geniuses. The video (an Elizabeth Gilbert Ted Talk) was about how we aren’t geniuses, a genius comes to us however. And no matter how hard we try to work and pour our heart into something as artists we still depend on our genius. If he/she does her job, we succeed, if they don’t show up to work we’re fucked. But sometimes we just have to show up to work and do our job even if our genius decides to take a day off, because when it’s all written and done and it doesn’t succeed we can just say: ‘At least I showed up to work and did my part!’ Moral of the story: Don’t be so hard on yourself, sometimes it’s your genius’ fault. Anyway, so my genius usually speaks English to me. How do I know this? No, I do not hear voices, but when I get ideas to write or feel the need to put something on paper (or on a blog… sigh, millennials!) it comes much more easy in English than in Papiamento. No idea why, maybe because I’ve read too many English books and too little Papiamento books? Or maybe my genius isn’t an Aruban, or perhaps he/she is just a millennial.
All the love,
Josh
I lead a very simple lifestyle nowadays, I don’t really drink to get drunk anymore and when I do have a beer or a glass of wine it’s always followed by a glass of water twice the size of the beer (or the wine glass), simply because I love my body enough as to take care of it.
I don’t have casual sex anymore. My stance on casual sex used to be: ‘I’ll have it because I can and no one can tell me otherwise.’ And now my stance is more like: ‘I won’t have it because I can and no one can tell me otherwise.’ You’re probably mind-fucked, but it comes down to this: I will not going around sleeping with people I don’t love because it causes an emotional damage. I am not one of those people who can have sex with someone I barely know and feel good about it afterwards. And the reason I am more conscious about it is because I realized that no one’s going to tell not to go out there and sleep around. It’s up to me to take care of me and I don’t want to show my body to anyone if I’m not able to show them my soul. There is no need to bash people who do, because it works for some, but I’m not one of those people and it took me long enough to realize it. I’m about 10 and a half months sex-free! Yay to me! It doesn’t feel that long to be honest, surprisingly.
I have also become much more vocal in letting people know what I like and will do and what I don’t like I won’t do. Peer-pressure? Don’t know her. Frankly, I love the changes I’ve made to my life in the past months. I love how relaxed and care free I lead my life nowadays. Yet, sometimes I can’t help but miss the rush of the alcohol or the bodily contact with someone else, but none of that is worth it anymore, because God knows I wouldn’t trade my peace for a penis or a bottle of vodka, ever.
You know the kind of rush I do want however? As a matter of fact I crave it! The rush of traveling the world and eating everything I’ve never tasted before. Much like Elizabeth Gilbert, I want to eat, I want to pray and I want to love. My relationship with the man above is better than it’s been in years, but I feel the need to belong somewhere, to a religion or something like that. Because I want to find more ways to show my gratitude and simply adore him. I believe in God and I believe in a good God who watches over me. I can’t tell you what’s the right or what’s wrong way to preach or praise him, but I can tell you one thing; God is magnificent and filled with kindness and is much closer than many people may even imagine.
I’ll tell you one thing though, winter days are tough! These cold days have me craving for sunlight. I wish I could go home, but more than anything I wish I could go to Italy, learn Italian and eat (a lot of everything). That’s what Josh wants. What else? I want to go to Madrid (and I am) and get inspired, write and… Maybe sleep with a Spanish guy. I would be June by then, so I might just give in. I will only do it if I feel something though. A strong connection, or perhaps even a summer love. But first, first I’m going to Poland in search of history and… food. Don’t ask me where I’m getting all the money from, because quite Frankly, I have zero idea, but it doesn’t matter, because when it comes down to traveling, one should act first and think later. Never letting an opportunity to encounter new things go.
Truth be told, I might not be a fan of winter, but one thing’s certain, I am a fan of life and I plan to enjoy every second of it.
As for the title of this post? Well I saw this video two days ago, it was about the geniuses. The video (an Elizabeth Gilbert Ted Talk) was about how we aren’t geniuses, a genius comes to us however. And no matter how hard we try to work and pour our heart into something as artists we still depend on our genius. If he/she does her job, we succeed, if they don’t show up to work we’re fucked. But sometimes we just have to show up to work and do our job even if our genius decides to take a day off, because when it’s all written and done and it doesn’t succeed we can just say: ‘At least I showed up to work and did my part!’ Moral of the story: Don’t be so hard on yourself, sometimes it’s your genius’ fault. Anyway, so my genius usually speaks English to me. How do I know this? No, I do not hear voices, but when I get ideas to write or feel the need to put something on paper (or on a blog… sigh, millennials!) it comes much more easy in English than in Papiamento. No idea why, maybe because I’ve read too many English books and too little Papiamento books? Or maybe my genius isn’t an Aruban, or perhaps he/she is just a millennial.
All the love,
Josh
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